Monday, September 15, 2008

#27 Self-Aware Hip Hop References

Dave is frequently heard using terms like “Whadado” and “Holla!” Just listen to his voice mail.

He says it’s the influence of “his kids” at Lifeworks. Sure, Dave, blame it on your students. We know better.

You may live in the ghetto, but you didn’t grow up there. Sorry. But we’ll cut you a little slack – your ghetto slang use is more tolerable than when white people use it.

#26 Facebook

Dave has a Facebook profile and checks it regularly. It’s a good way to get in touch with him. Google chat is better, but it’s not on the Stuff White People Like list.

#25 Girls With Bangs

We can only assume that Dave likes girls with bangs. He lives with one.

#24 Children's Games as Adults

After two years of working (cough, slaving, cough) for Americorp and spending hours and hours improving the lives of under-privileged American youth, Dave knows a lot of ice breaker and team building games. He especially loves to share these games with his stiff, easily-embarrassed church friends.

His favorite is Bust-A-Move, and then he'll break everyone up into teams by counting off to the letters L-O-V-E.

#23 Being Offended

Dave likes nothing more than telling white people (or any people, really) how offensive they are. In fact, he will probably thoroughly enjoy pointing out how offensive this blog is.

Happy Birthday, Dave!

#22 New Balance Shoes

Dave has two pairs of shoes, one of them being a pair of New Balance running shoes. He’s wears them pretty much every day and sometimes uses them for running. Mostly, he just wears them to work. These shoes were made in the USA, not in a third world sweatshop.

His other pair of shoes is a set of Old Navy flip-flops. These were probably made in a sweatshop, but cost him only $3.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

#21 Free Health Care

Of course Dave likes free healthcare! He doesn't have insurance right now, and hasn't paid some bills at an urgent care center after having a mutant wart on his hand removed.

Plus, he's voting for Barack Obama. What kind of person do you think he is? A trickle-down, free-market Republican?

#20 Dinner Parties

It's not so much that Dave likes hosting pretentious parties but he really loves cooking (and eating). So he likes to invite people over to watch him cook and then eat with him. You could call these dinner parties.

One night a week, Dave will take over the Brookswood kitchen and host an Asian girl for Indian food. Sometimes, he lets his roommates join in. I guess then it's a party because it's more than two people.

#19 Grad School

Dave has a dream. That dream includes making a difference in people's live and creating a brighter future for the youth of America. Or something like that.

In order to reach this ivory tower of idealism, he's gotta get a master's degree, probably in social work or education. The University of Texas will get more of his money, he'll pile on some student loans, and face harassment for being the only male in the School of Social Work, all in pursuit of his great dream.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

#18 Gentrification

If you ask Dave what he thinks about gentrification, he might give you a spiel about how it raises property taxes and pushes families out of their homes. (His roommates agree.)

But Dave likes places with cheap rent and reputations for being 'dangerous.' In the past three years, he's lived somewhere sketchy in Chicago, East Oltorf, and now the no-white-man's land near Springdale.

Yeah, Dave likes living on the edge ... of Austin, going east. On the surface, it might seem like gentrification, but he probably makes less money than his neighbors and his house is not exactly, well, worth enough to affect property tax.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

#17 Michel Gondry

Dave likes foreign films and he likes creative directors. It's no surprise then that he likes Michel Gondry, even though Gondry is on the tip of every pretentious hipster's tongue when asked about their favorite movies.

Gondry directed The Science of Sleep, which stars Gael Garcia Bernal, and Dave has huge man-crush on Gael. No surprise that Michel gets Dave points for that.

Gondry recently made a heartwarming movie set in the ghetto. It also stared Jack Black, so of course Dave liked it. He called it "sweet."

So yeah, Gondry may be French (not Spanish) but Dave really likes his films anyway.

#16 Having Gay Friends

We’ve established that Dave embraces diversity. He used to have a gay roommate. Yeah, Dave likes gay people. He even went on a date with a kickboxing lesbian. You can’t be more diverse than that!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

#15 Shorts

Dave wears shorts almost every day. It's Texas, so it's hot and wearing shorts just makes sense.

He also really likes to walk around in his boxer shorts, even when his roommates ask him not to. He must just really like walking around in his underwear.

#14 T-shirts

Dave only wears t-shirts. He still wears some from middle school. He buys them at thrift stores and doesn’t care if there are holes in them.

He’s occasionally spotted in a collared shirt, but this means he’s trying to impress someone, usually a girl.

#13 Japan

He may not admit to this one, but he really likes Japan. He eats sushi (vegetarian of course) and likes anime. Yep, liking anime is enough to associate you with Japan, Dave.

Dragonball Z, anyone?

Friday, September 5, 2008

#12 Public Radio

KUT is set to the first button on Dave’s radio. Sure, he listens to annoying, commercial-driven pop stations, but he makes time for thoughtful, member-supported radio.

He’s often bringing up NPR news stories in conversations, and not just to impress people – he’s genuinely interested in sharing thoughtful, left-leaning, non-mainstream, member-supported news.

He’s even known to listen to Eklektikos every now and again, too – he does a great (and creepy) impression of host John Aielli.

He’s not station member yet (doesn’t make enough money) but he’s only 10 years away from becoming a tote bag-carrying, bumper sticker-wearing NPR supporter.

#11 Arrested Development

Dave isn't into too many TV shows. He laughs at The Office, but he could take it or leave it. He sings songs by Flight of the Conchords, well just "The Prettiest Girl in the Room."

But when it comes to offbeat, canceled-too-soon TV shows unappreciated by the masses, Dave has a special place in his heart for Arrested Development. He does a great Gob impression and can even stomach Michael Cera and Jason Bateman together (as opposed to Juno).

Thursday, September 4, 2008

#10 Breakfast Places

Dave likes to eat all the time, and he always starts his day with a good breakfast (Cinnamon Toast Crunch).

I'm not sure he's particularly into breakfast places more than other kinds of restaurants. But he sure does love Juan in a Million, and that's enough for this entry to be created.

#9 Vegetarian/Veganism

First of all, Dave will never be vegan. He loves cheese too much, and cheese is a crucial ingredient in pizza. But cows don’t die in the cheese-making process (that we know of) so Dave can rest easy with his dairy habit.

Dave has not eaten meat in almost year. Go Dave! He’s a vegetarian not because he’s grossed out by red meat like some picky 16 year old girl on a diet. He also isn’t too phased by the dangers of artificial growth hormones or antibiotics in most meat, either.

It’s something to do with non-violence. That’s also why he doesn’t kill cockroaches.

#8 Having Two Last Names

While Dave currently only has one last name, he has said he doesn’t want his wife to take his last name.

However, Kalloor is too good of a name to waste. The solution is hyphenation. Dave is all set to become the ultimate progressive: a man with two last names.

Some good combinations could be:
  • Kalloor-Friesen (although Friesen-Kalloor has a nice ring to it, too)
  • Kalloor-Hong
  • Kalloor-Huang
  • Kalloor-Chao

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

#7 Traveling

Like most well-traveled people, Dave can tell you stories that start like, "When I was in India ..." or "This one time in Haiti ..."

He loves to tell stories about using a wooden toilet in India or having some girl from Kalamazoo pray over him after going to a Hindu temple. Only someone who likes traveling will tell stories like that.

For the record, Dave doesn't travel to developed countries. He avoids Europe at all costs. He'll make fun of you for liking England (those damn colonists!) So if you want to travel with Dave, plan on going somewhere that requires getting a bunch of shots and taking malaria pills.

#6 Awareness

Dave is probably the most aware person we know. He's aware of all kinds of issues: women's rights, human trafficking, teen pregnancy, immigration issues, dental hygiene, and burning monks in Thailand or Camboidia or Burma.

He so aware other people feel like privileged, ignorant pricks around him (especially when they can't remember the name of a specific Southeast Asian country).

But he's never mean about it. Instead, he uses it as an opportunity to raise, you guessed it, awareness.

#5 Having Black Friends

Dave loves diversity and tolerance, so of course he has black friends. That's all we will say on the matter.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

#4 Non-Profit Organizations

Dave is okay with having no money. That’s why he’s a social worker. He believes in making the world a better place. Awe.

Sure, he could’ve stuck with the pre-med track and become a successful Indian doctor. Lord knows the world doesn’t have enough those. It could have been his calling.

Instead, he decided to follow his heart and became a social worker. He’s spent two years as an Americorp slave and is now trying to find a good job at a non-profit. He’d like to make at least $1,000 a month this time around, so if you know of any good job opportunities that meet this description, email him at

#3 Asian Girls

Let’s set the record straight – Dave loves all girls. He doesn’t discriminate. Sometimes it’s creepy, but most of the time, he’s a good feminist and doesn’t objectify women. That’s one of the many reasons we love Dave.

But he has a tendency to fall for Asian girls (we won’t call it a fetish – we just established that he’s a feminist … ) He’s almost like those white hipster douche bags with tortoise-shell glasses.

But here’s the twist! He usually falls (hard) for Christian Asian girls. This makes it endearing rather than disgusting (it’s not yellow fever, it’s more like unrequited love with a racial preference).

I’ll bet you 10 to 1, Dave marries an Asian girl and then produces cute half-Indian, half-Asian babies.

#2 Barack Obama

It’s no secret who Dave will be voting for on November 4. He might just love Barack Obama more than any other man on earth. Maybe more than his best friend Elliot. Perhaps even more than Gideon Tsang.

Dave tears up during Obama’s speeches, and if you want to see passion, just get Dave talking about Obama’s history as a community organizer. Yes, it’s just enough to make a male social worker cry.

#1 Tea

Dave isn’t a big fan of coffee, but he sure does love tea. He loves tea so much that he can’t wait for water to boil on the stove. So he microwaves his water instead, having a cup ready in about two minutes. His mom microwaves her tea water, too. Dave isn’t too picky about what kind of tea: green, black, oolong. He embraces diversity.